Buying those English workbook sets felt like a bigger decision than it should have been

Staring at the book bundles on the website

I spent an entire hour yesterday just refreshing the Hackers Talk page. It is honestly exhausting how they structure these things. You see these massive banners for ‘Real Travel English’ books and video lectures, and then you click through only to find yourself staring at two different options: one is a bundle of three books, and the other is just a single volume. I kept wondering if I really needed the full set or if the single book was enough for someone like me who still fumbles over basic introductions. I ended up just staring at the screen, clicking back and forth between the two tabs. It felt like I was trying to solve a puzzle instead of just buying a book. I wasn’t even sure if the extra two books would just end up gathering dust on my desk in Anyang, like those other grammar books I bought three years ago.

The lingering memory of my last trip

Whenever I see ads for English study, I keep thinking back to my trip to Europe a few years ago. I remembered sitting in a small cafe, trying to order something as simple as a toasted sandwich. My hands were shaking a little because the person at the counter was speaking so fast. I had all these phrases saved in my phone notes, but when the moment actually came, I just pointed at the menu and mumbled ‘this one, please.’ It was such a small, quiet moment of embarrassment. I think that’s why I’m suddenly so obsessed with finding the ‘right’ way to study again. It’s not about being fluent; I just don’t want to feel that stuck again next time I end up in a place where I don’t know the language.

Trying to fit study into a workday

My schedule is usually pretty packed with the daily commute and the office routine. I looked at the local community centers, like the one in Seocho that offers AI and communication classes, but they always seem to be during hours when I’m tied to my desk. It is frustrating because I know if I could just get into a rhythm, maybe it would stick. I keep telling myself I’ll wake up thirty minutes earlier, but that usually means I just end up scrolling through my phone in bed. I even looked into those adult English study sheets that come by mail, but the thought of having to commit to a monthly subscription fee—maybe around 30,000 to 50,000 won—felt like another thing I’d eventually feel guilty about if I fell behind.

Comparing myself to people who just speak five languages

I saw a clip of a celebrity the other day who mentioned they speak seven different languages, and they claimed the secret was just traveling and meeting people. It made me feel a bit defeated. Like, am I doing it the hard way by trying to read books and watch these online lectures? Sometimes I think I’m overcomplicating it, looking for the perfect set of materials while ignoring the fact that I’m just afraid to actually speak out loud. My friend who did a working holiday told me that you learn more in a week of struggle than in a year of studying, but that sounds terrifying. I don’t know if I have that kind of courage.

Still sitting here with the cart empty

I still haven’t checked out. The bundle of three books is sitting in my digital cart, and every time I go to pay, I hesitate. Is it going to change anything? Or will I just be a person who owns three more English books? There’s a Busan World Citizen Festival coming up soon, and I thought maybe I’d go and try to talk to some foreigners there to test myself, but the thought makes me nervous enough to want to stay home. I’m not sure if buying the books is the start of something or just another way to procrastinate the actual, uncomfortable work of having to make mistakes in public. I’ll probably end up buying them tonight, and then maybe I’ll open the first page. Or maybe I’ll just let the tab sit there for another day.